I've contemplated writing this post all morning because I still wish he was here. I've missed him off and on all weekend just because he was a sweet, precious and perfect little boy. I miss him so much this morning. Mostly because being at work brings the reality of not having my forever child. Just last Thursday I was deciding what day I would come in this week and who would keep baby H so I could work a little bit. Now I'm trying to figure out how to deal with all of the baby stuff in his room. I don't smell him anymore. I can still hear his cry and see his face but he's not there. I miss him so much. I didn't think it would be this hard to let him go.
I know that God has his hand in this situation and that he knows what we need more than we do. I know that he will heal my broken heart and show me more of him each day. This has caused me to lean on him every day, all day. To cry out to him more because I know how much I need him to help me.
I spoke to someone (www.themiddlemom.com) this weekend who has been doing this for years and she had the best explanation. She said, "I feel like if we are doing what God wants us to do in this ministry-that is to totally sell out to each child- the sacrificial part of that is our hearts will break when they leave us." She said that with each child she has felt the heartache.
Keep us in your prayers. Brandon is doing good right now. He was sad at first but had started to guard himself sooner than I. He's been so amazing in all of this. It's amazing what a man will do when his wife is hurting.
Love you all!
9 comments:
Oh Paige... I am praying!! What a heartbreak. I just can't imagine.... praying for you during this time!
Paige you guys have inspired me by the huge steps of faith you have taken! God has been evident in each step that you and Brandon have taken through this process. I cannot imagine your heartbreak but I pray that God will bring you joy as you think about the big impact you made on Baby H in the amount of time you had him. I am confident that God has your forever baby and at this moment is preparing a way to bring the three of you together. You are goign to make a great forever mom! :)
We love you guys!
Cari
Praying a lot for you guys right now... SO excited about how God is using you!! Cameron and I really would love to foster sometime in the future... God is teaching us through you!
Paige. I'm praying for you and Brandon. I'm praying that you will have a forever family soon. I KNOW you will make a precious mother. I know you impacted the life sweet baby H. Love you!
Oh girl! I am so sorry to hear that, and I cannot even begin to comprehend the utter heartache you are feeling! I will be praying for you guys and hoping you are feeling all of the prayers!
Paige - I know that the heartache is strong and more so today. Your forever baby is out there - and when he/she enters your life there will be more joy than you can bare. I pray for you and Brandon each and every night. You hold a huge place in my heart. You were and will always be Baby H's hero. You loved him more than he will ever be able to comprehend. You are my Hero too. You have shown so much joy in our lives the short amount of time you have been in it - and I know that Baby H had that same amount!! I love you always and forever!
Praying for you Paige! Thanks for being so transparent on your blog and letting your friends know you are hurting. Know that you are in our thoughts and prayers! We love you and Brandon so much!
Really?! I love Brooke! She is awesome! How do you know her? Tell her I said hi next time you see her? (I mean, I know I could go to her FB and tell her that...but it sounds better coming from an actual person sometimes. haha!)
Yeap... pretty sure correspondence courses are evil! ha!
Paige, I found your page through someone through someone, etc....please know that I am praying for you. I can't imagine how hard this is....I am not sure I could do it but I know that you are following hard after God and doing what He wants for you and Brandon...thinking of you....
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